True Life: "I'm a Sugar Baby" Is So Bizarre It Pulled The Live Blog Out Of Retirement

Did True Life hit a brick wall in 2007 and decided they had to go for blood? It's becoming one of my favorite shows again. I remember when it was like True Life: I'm a Drug Addict and simple shit like that but now we have I'm a Sugar Baby? As in people who hire 20 year olds to spoil? Kind of like a prostitute? It's wild. Live blog. Let's go.

-"I like expensive dinners and nice things and like, you're not gonna find a 21 year old boy who can do this stuff." That's why you're whoring yourself out? Because you like expensive dinners? And by the way, the chick who said that is like 6. No way she deserves an expensive dinner. She's not even getting PF Changs out of me.

-"You'll meet 3 adults who take cash and gifts in exchange for their company." Run bitch. Run.

-We got GiGi. 21 year old, sort of asian looking. Pretty hot I have to say. Needs money for singing career. Then we have Steve who hates to work and is on the prowl for an older woman to pay his bills. Can you say living the dream? Olivia is some age and some story about her boyfriend. I don't know. I stop paying attention when ugly things make noise.

-GiGi says she started meeting older guys who wanted to help her out with money and then shockingly, she found out these guys really just wanted to have sex with her. It's like this bitch was literally born yesterday.

-She meets a guy online who she thinks doesn't want anything from her except her company and to spoil  her. Which is exactly why the first thing he shows her in his house is "the only private beach in San Diego." Oh then he puts her on an exercise machine and watches her ass. He then asks for a little preview of it. Yeah, you're right. He just wants to hang out Scranton, PA style. #Officereference. 

-"To me the sugar daddy/sugar baby relationship is based on the fact that I'm with you for a special reason and you're with me for a special reason." Is this True Life or Criminal Minds?

-Steven isn't a sugar baby like the chicks here. He's pretty much a 22 year old dude who just wants a cougar to pay his bills. Nothing wrong with that.

-His friend tells him he needs to find clothes that cougars can see and not think he's a child. Meanwhile his friend is wearing a diamond studded hat with a cross stitched into his button down so maybe take what he says with a grain of salt. 

"Plan of attack is move 'em around the venue, move 'em outside then pounce." That was actually word for word the same war plan crafted by confederates. 

-Now we meet Olivia. She doesn't get intimate with her sugar daddys. Then she meets a sugar daddy named Mike and I swear to Christ, older version of Adrian Gonzalez. It's spooky.

-Now we're back to Gigi and her sugar daddy buys her, her first gift. An essential rhyming dictionary for her singing career. What a sweetheart. She says she really needs that. Listen, if you're biggest problem is rhyming then I think you have a ways to go with your singing career.

-"Most meats are really good pink in the middle." I swear this sugar daddy is a serial killer.

-Olivia goes out to dinner with Gonzo and they talk about going to Italy and blah, blah, blah. Then some bullshit about her ex boyfriend and yada, yada, yada.

-Steven goes to a pole dancing aerobics class to meat some cougars. He think it shows a lot of balls to do stripper moves. Unintentional pun for the win.

-I'm so sick of this shit. This is exactly why I retired from live blogs. 35 minutes in and all I want to do is shower and stop watching this show.