That Smurf Is Such a Little Hoe

You're begging to get your question answered with a short little white party dress and big blue eyes for days. Now here's a fastball for your ass. Pretend Smurfette was a real bitch. Not like midget or anything but was regular sized except  her skin was still blue. What do you do? And imagine she's coming on to you strong. Totally making it feel like you're the only dude in the world at that time. I know my answer but I'm also just a hopeless romantic who frequently ends his Saturday night's with Air Supply's "All Out Of Love" playing from his speakers while a single tear streams down his face.Yup. I'm part Navajo.

I Like This.

SEATTLE -- The Boston Red Sox have added a much-needed starter after an earlier trade fell through, acquiring oft-injured left-hander Erik Bedard from the Seattle Mariners in a three-team trade.

The Red Sox, whose deal for Oakland's Rich Harden fell apart late Saturday night, also got right-hander Josh Fields, a 2008 first-round draft pick.  Boston sent catcher Tim Federowicz and right-handers Juan Rodriguez and Stephen Fife to the Los Angeles Dodgers, who dealt OF Trayvon Robinson to the Red Sox. The Red Sox then sent Robinson and minor league OF Chih-Hsien Chiang to Seattle

Somebody needs to wake up Brian Cashman and tell him the trade deadline passed like 3 hours ago. Seriously.  I know Eric Bedard isn't special but he's better than nothing and nothing is exactly what the Yankees did today. Are they delusional? Did they just throw in the towel on this season? How the fuck do you explain that team not doing anything? It's laughable and borderline pathetic. I'll take Bedard over Phil Hughes or Bartolo Colon or Freddy Garcia or whatever fucking slutpig they throw up on the mound next. Enjoy tasting our asses for the rest of the season. 

Sunday is Hungover Blog Day

Is This Email Real?

I'm behind this Jurgen Klinsmann hire. I've been saying we need to  get him on our bench for the past 5 years but that's where he stays. He's a fucking coach. Why does he need a jersey with #1 on it? What has he done? It just sets an awful precedent. Are little kids gonna walk into school with their teacher's name on their back and applaud their every effort? Fuck that. Coaches suck. They shouldn't be celebrated the way we put our players on a pedestal.  Yeah I want to be a coach some day but I'm gonna be the first one that isn't a complete jackass. Think Tito Francona. Just a player's coach. One who's been through the trials and tribulations. We'll play mistake free but we'll play loose.  Clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose. That's the mantra. Something those little faggots can admire.




P.S. I'm gonna wear sunglasses for every game. Even when it's cloudy or under the lights. You can tell a lot about a game plan by looking into a man's eyes and I got enough secrets to fill the fucking Smithsonian.

Have I Mentioned How Excited I've Been Over The Past 3 Days?

JOHNS CREEK, Ga. -- Tiger Woods has already missed two major championships this year. He doesn't plan on missing the last one. Woods has formally entered the PGA Championship, to be played Aug. 11-14 at Atlanta Athletic Club. He has been out of golf for nearly three months so that injuries to his left leg can properly heal. He will make his return next week in the World Golf Championship event at Firestone. PGA spokesman Julius Mason said Friday that Woods' agent, Mark Steinberg, told him Woods intends to play the PGA as long as everything goes well at Firestone and there are no complications to his left leg. Woods has failed to win the last nine majors he has played, one short of matching his longest drought.

I don't need to sit here and tell you how much golf needs Tiger. I don't need to tell you how Tiger has been one of my favorite athletes since I was 7 and him coming back makes my blood boil. I also don't need to tell you I'm the biggest and baddest blog in town but I do anyways so whatever. Golf needs Tiger. ESPN needs Tiger. I need Tiger and now we're all gonna get some Tiger. Wild days, indeed. Let's just all go crazy on each other.

A Thing Of Beauty.

Did Tom Terrific get a haircut?

I'm Not Sure But I'm Pretty Sure I'm Hard

Albert Haynesworth may not be the only new arrival in New England this week. Bengals receiver Chad Ochocinco is dropping hints that he’ll be a Patriot.  And he’s dropping the hints in a most unusual way. James Shively (@JC_Shively) of Cincinnati has a Twitter page.  Earlier today, he complained about persistent rumors and reports that Ochocinco will be cut. Wrote Shively:  “So much 4 @ochocinco getting cut by the #Bengals… Media dont know squat.  Always tryin 2 stir drama up.” Shively received a “direct message” from Ochocinco.  Said Ochocinco:  “Media knows nothing but I’m going to enjoy clam chowder.”  (We’ve seen the screen shot of the message.)

I'll tell ya what. Reach down in these trousers and try to tell me I'm not the most excited son of a bitch you've ever seen. Have the last 3 days been bonkers or what? MLB hot stove is heating up like a motherfucker with trade talk, Pedey is on a 98 game hit streak, this new free agent period in the NFL is electric, I just got DirecTV, my hair is killing it lately, Bob Bradley just got canned, I'm still jacked up the Bruins won the Stanley Cup and now we're about to acquire Chad Ochocinco right after we picked up Haynesworth? Mix those two guys on any other team and I'd be terrified but this is New England where we do things the right way. In Belichick we trust.


P.S. And it looks like we're gonna hold on to Josh Reddick. In the words of Packard motorboating his son, "humina humina humina humina!"


UPDATE: It's official. Pats traded for Ochocinco. I don't think people understand how big of a deal this is. It pretty much forces the Jets to pay big money for Asomough or however the fuck you spell it, thus killing all their cap room so they can't sign pivotal role players that the Pats already have. IN BILL WE TRUST, INDEED! This season needed to start yesterday. Fuck fixing our defense. We'll put 50 on the board every week and tell the world to suck our asses.

Just What The Doctor Ordered

According to a report from Adam Schefter of ESPN, the Patriots have acquired defensive lineman Albert Haynesworth from the Redskins in exchange for a fifth-round pick in the 2013 NFL draft. Haynesworth was an two-time All-Pro for the Titans (2007, 2008) before signing a seven-year, $100 million deal with the Redskins in February 2009. His two years in Washington were a major disappointment, as Haynesworth suffered a severe drop in on-field production and was also suspended by Mike Shanahan in December 2010 for conduct detrimental to the team.

I love it. Belichick could turn a hoe into a housewife any day of the week and twice on sunday. Now all we have to do is go out and get Sidney Rice then start fitting ourselves for Super Bowl rings. Hey Bill, I think I'm a small.

I'm In Such a Bad Mood Today That I Don't Want To Think Of a Title Here. Go Fuck Yourself. Seriously. I Don't Give a Fuck Who You Are And I Don't Give a Fuck If You Read This. My Hair is Too Long, I'm Tired, I'm Annoyed, I Haven't Enjoyed a Meal In 4 Days And I Wouldn't Mind If Somebody Shot Me Right Now. Just Not In The Dick Because If I Survive I'ma Be Getting Sympathy Vag Like You Read About

MIDWAY, Ga. (AP) - Police in Georgia have shut down a lemonade stand run by three girls trying to save up for a trip to a water park, saying they didn't have a business license or the required permits. Midway Police Chief Kelly Morningstar says police also didn't know how the lemonade was made, who made it or what was in it. The girls had been operating for one day when Morningstar and another officer cruised by. The girls needed a business license, peddler's permit and food permit to operate, even on residential property. The permits cost $50 a day or $180 per year. One girl, 14-year-old Casity Dixon, says the three had to listen to police and shut down. The girls are now doing chores and yard work to make money.

Well I hope these little sluts learned their lesson. That's what you get for being little gypsy whores on the side of the road. The whole thing just seems way too suspicious. I'm under the belief that 14 is way too old to be running a lemonade stand and notice how Casity giversomeDixon didn't fight the power when they shut down their little operation. How was this lemonade made? "Can't tell ya officer." Who made it? "Not sure officer." What's in this lemonade and why the fuck is there a line of puerto rican hookers all scratching their bodies like they have a certain addiction to this lemonade? "Uh Oh." The Riz Boy get another criminal off the street and we solve any crime by dinner time.

When Did We Start Going To Michael Vick For Our News Scoops?

PHILADELPHIA -- Michael Vick said Tuesday that he was unsure whether his No. 1 target, fourth-year wide receiver DeSean Jackson, will report on time to Eagles training camp, scheduled to open Wednesday. "I spoke to DeSean yesterday, and we're trying to figure out what's going to happen," Vick said. "Hopefully he'll be here tomorrow. DeSean just has to think about it and has some decisions to make that only himself can make."

Have I said how much I hate Michael Vick? Because I despise the motherfucker. Does it have to do with his dog fighting ring? A little bit. I mean he kills dogs, goes to jail and then comes back preaching some lesson learned bullshit and suddenly he's like the second coming of Christ in Philly because he's a dynamic player. That has something to do with it. I like a redemption story more than anyone but only when it's deserved. The hate from me mostly stems from the fact that he's a fucking moron. Wasn't the lead story on ESPN yesterday about Vick tweeting that he'd Favre to come in and be a backup? Use some common sense bro. Think before you tweet. Rule #1. It's like we're dealing with a 16 year old girl posting pictures of beer then going apeshit when she gets in trouble for it. And yet the media clings onto his every word like he actually knows what the fuck planet he's living on. I don't get it. Vick as your leading source is a joke.


P.S. That picture above isn't Michael Vick? Whoops. All criminals look the same to me.

Don't Jump Tiger! You Have Too Much To Live For!

The same day he announced his split from his longtime caddie, Tiger Woods nursed his knee and leg injuries on a 61-foot yacht off the coast of Jupiter Island, Florida ... alongside his children.The photos were taken on Wednesday -- while Tiger was aboard his ultra-private yacht named Solitude.  The boat was reportedly custom built for Elin ... and cost somewhere in the neighborhood of $2-3 million.


I guess our boy is taking the breakup with Stevie harder than we thought. Oh. Wait. You mean Tiger was on his yacht, rocking a cutoff the same day he announced on his website that it was time for Williams to kick rocks and go suck off Adam Scott? It's like when a couple ends their relationship and one person always comes out on top. Stevie Williams went on TV and talked about how he wasted two years of his life like a little bitch(even though he made 10% of Tiger's winnings) and Tiger took to the seas with a nanny who probably has no problem with letting him putt from the rough.

Jay Cutler Is Such a Child

Football is the least of your worries? Really? Because I just looked at your stats from last year then remembered you bumming a knee injury in the NFC Championship and it seems like football should probably be the most worrisome thing in your life right now. Not to mention, you're a moron. Dumping Kristin? That was a smart move? Really? That chick has been with kings named Stephen from the province of Laguna and Brody from the hills of LA and yet you think you're better than that? One is a prince of a Malibu! Well I know Stephen. I watched Stephen on One Tree Hill. Stephen is a very good make believe friend of mine. You're no Stephen Colleti, bro.




P.S. Kristin dated Matt Leinart. My last question is what do you think the circumference of her vagina is now versus her vagina in like 1995?


P.S.S. The amount of hate I've always had for Jay Cutler isn't healthy. Dude is the biggest joke in the NFL. He's a wannabe. A dud. A coward. He is Ryan from Real World: New Orleans.

Funny Joke.

2 posts in a 48 hour period? Yeah, fuck you too. I'm not sorry. What is that bullshit? I have 7,000 page views a day last week and now today I have 103? I need more pages than that just to whipe my ass. If you wanna play this game then I'll fucking play all day. Lower page views just means lower level of production from me. I'll just start writing posts that only consist of me telling you to suck my dick. You all made funny, happy rza go away by not appreciating the work. Now you're gonna see miserable, pissed off rza and all he does is curse, sleep and hate you for breathing his air.

Classic.

I don't have to be the greatest blogger this side of the Farmington River. I don't have to dominate these junior wanna be blogs everyday like I do. All I have to do is be the best connor I can be. Because I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.

I Want This Kid To Blog For Me When I'm Too Tired/Hungover

"Fight me u fuck." I'll tell ya what. It takes a ballsy man to create a facebook only to tell everybody who goes on your page to fuck off and then immediately challenge them to a duel of fists. And no I'm not worried about this hurting his feelings. He don't give a fuck about what I be spittin yo.



P.S. And now the pupil has come to the master. You know what they say at times like these? Gungalugunga.

This Is Pathetic.

Will somebody wake these bitches up and tell them they fucking choked? If they were dudes then we'd be all over their ass and calling them out 24/7 but we coddle the shit out of them because they have vaginas? It's bullshit. They choked. Straight up. No excuses. They should all be embarrassed to show their faces on television, instead were celebrating them like they won the trophy or something. It's gross.

I Can't Decide If Emma Stone Is Hot Or Not

Is she attractive? Sure. But is she hot? I don't know. Like Kevin Malone says, "it's a gut thing" and right now my non existent gut isn't giving me any direction to go in. Maybe it's because I haven't really seen any movie she's been in? Maybe if I was more exposed to her then her flame would  burn brighter? But isn't that what every ugly chick secretly hopes? Is that was Emma Stone is thinking by picking secondary roles in every movie to come out this summer? The more we see her then more we'll like her? Have I topped my record for the most questions in one blog post? I mean it when I say this might be the most unsure I've ever been about something in my entire life. Notice I used the word "might" because I don't even know if I'm unsure about that last statement or not.

I'm In a Bad Mood. Fetch Me a Beer And Let's Make Fun Of People To Feel Better About Ourselves.

OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH SNAPPP! R.L. Stine type storybook writer right here, folks. I don't even know where to begin with this story because it has so many parts. First he went to a random packy. Whoa. And he wanted to buy alcohol? Bizarre. This is the best part though so hold on to your dicks! Cashier didn't even chick his ID now that he's 21! Zing!

Get this man to a hospital. Seriously. Chest pains aren't something to post status updates about. You notice how body commented on it? That's what we in the blogging biz call an epic fail at getting attention.

The way I pictured this one in my head was him asking me that question to which I do my signature one sniff of the nose, lick the upper lip then walk away quietly with my head down. You're a moron. Nobody has forgotten about the time you raped that girl in that woods party senior year.

Everybody should copy down that cell phone number and ask him about the gateway computer he's selling then when he tries to correct you and tell you it's a mac, continue calling it a gateway and then suddenly act like you're disgusted by his tone and hang up.

Yeahhhhhhh I just really liked that status. He used to call  me Wally Szczerbiak.


I actually just watched this 4 times and now my dark cloud of an attitude has been lifted. Little kids are the shit.

Really, Bro? It's Hot Out? So That's What I'm Feeling Right Now?

Thank God for Dan Malloy or else I probably would have tried to go out and run a marathon without any water today. I mean that sincerely. He's on top of his game. Nothing says man of the people like issuing a head advisory at 3:00 PM from your central air conditioned state capitol office. It's like they always say, it aint hot until Dan Malloy says it is.

I've Danced This Dance Before. Don't You Lie To Me Theo. Not Today. Not Now

Q: Has Josh Reddick made the decision pretty easy about who should be playing right field right now? TE: You can't deny what Josh Reddick is doing and you can't deny that he's a different player than he's been. Josh Reddick has always had all the talents. From the day that we drafted him, the ball jumped off his bat as well as just about any player in our system and he was always really athletic, always a really good outfielder, always a playmaker out in the outfield, always a pretty dynamic baserunner. It was simply a question with Josh, and always has been, of his plate discipline and going up there and not only repeating his swing mechanics but going up there with a plan, working the count, swinging at good pitches and putting himself in a position where he could let that explosiveness off his bat play and let his natural instincts play up there. You can't put too much emphasis on 100 or so at bats, but the bottom line is he finished up so strong last year at Pawtucket to repeat his swing and swing at strikes and went off and hit for a ton of power. And he's been really good all year, not only up here but when he was in Triple A, I know his batting average was low but he was swinging at strikes, he was walking a lot more, he was hitting for power, so I think this is a different guy and a really exciting piece, not only now but for the future. So, again, Tito makes out the lineup, and I'm sure he's going to have a decision to make on a nightly basis, but I don't want to speak for him, but certainly Josh is somebody who's helped us win games you want to put in a position to have him continue to do that.

I swear to you right now. If Theo ends up trading away Josh Reddick and this whole "exciting piece for the future" talk is all mind games to trick another team then Donahue will start raping 8 year olds, one by one. First it'll be the brunettes and then blondes. Nothing and I mean nothing sets me off more than that doublespeak, dishonest bullshit that so many GMs use. One minute you're talking up your players and the next you're hoping some shmuck like the Mets hears it and they offer you everything but the kitchen sink for him. I actually know a ton of chicks who would be great GMs. Just dishonest, conniving little slut rags who deserve nothing more than to get beat by their fathers. 


P.S. I felt bad about that getting beat by their fathers line right after I typed it. Domestic abuse isn't funny. Unless it's deserved. For example, a dishonest, conniving little slut rag would deserve this.

Killing It and Not Even Trying To

I love it when chicks wear those things. What is it called? Onesie? Romper? Rumper? Jumper? Something like that, right? I don't know what it is but it's working.

This Is The Last Post That Will Ever Have To Do With This So Called "Blog War"

So the general consensus is that I'm awesome, right? And that I'm the Godfather and virtually untouchable? Rightfully so. I earned this shit.  And there will be no spilled blood until I say so and right now I say let it rain. I love it. But seriously, mention me one more time in a negative light and I swear to Andre 3000, I'll fucking slit your throats.


P.S. They're not seriously hating on Tina cuatto are they? Respect your elders. Little secret is that I've had a crush on her for years so I'll defend her honor. Or does she have a brother that I don't know about?

No More Drunken Puppy Buying

NEW YORK (AP) - A New York City pet store that's surrounded by bars has banned drunken puppy-buying. Workers at Le Petite Puppy in Greenwich Village say customers tend to stumble in after happy hour and purchase a dog without thinking. Drunken customers now are forbidden to even hold the puppies, because they can drop them. Store owner Dana Rich tells WINS-AM that she instructs people who have clearly been drinking to come back the next day. Employees say they stress how much work it is to own a dog. They say they would rather lose a sale than send a puppy into an unsafe home.

I have to thank my lucky stars that there aren't more puppy stores around here or else I'd be in there everyday like a child molester at 11:45 recess scoping out the talent. I can't get enough of those little suckers.  I look at Brady everyday and pray to Juan Pierre that he turns into a black lab. But the bigger story here is the store turning away drunk people because of the bad decisions that alcohol influences. Music to my ears. I mean it when I say I think I make 1 mistake every time I drink. I'll be pitching a perfect game into the 9th only to leave my curve ball up too high and there goes history. Most of the time it's little shit like pissing a girl off by bringing up her period or tweeting at a 16 year old with a nice rumpus but every once in a while I'll get real revved up and whack a fucker in the face. I've actually done the math. I'm good for a fight once every 7 months. Kind of spooky. You know what else a couple brewskis do? They make me happy and delightful to be around. You want me to buy that shot? Put it on my tab. Do I think you lost weight? No  but I'll tell you you're fucking glowing tonight. Will I promise to call you tomorrow? Absolutely. I'll even text you before I fall asleep tonight. Puppy for sale? Mine. Then 8 AM rolls around and the only thing I'm saying is, "ahhh shit." Well done, puppy store. Well done.


I'm killing it on the blogs today. KILLING IT. I never want this foot injury to go away. 

Shit. Looks Like I'm Gonna Be Getting Sued By Matt Damon/Jim Halpert/Usher/Tom Brady/George Clooney and Joe Biden Soon...

Kim's attorney, Gary Hecker, filed the federal lawsuit against Old Navy in U.S. Disctrict Court bright and early this morning, over the retailer's "unauthorized use of Kardashian's name, likeness, identity and persona." In addition to compensatory and punitive damages—which a source tells E! News could total up to $20 million—Kim is also seeking an injuction against the company for the alleged violations. "I've worked hard to support the products I'm personally involved with that I believe in," Kim said. So why after waiting so long is she only now filing suit? Well, it's not a pride thing—despite the fact that the ad's Kim doppelgänger, Melissa Molinaro, is now rumored to have coupled up with none other than Kardashian ex Reggie Bush (hey, the guy's clearly got a type).

I really don't give a fuck. I just thought the title I made was worth a blog post. 

Wowzers.

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. -- Tiger Woods fired caddie Steve Williams on Wednesday, leaving his good friend stunned and ending a 12-year relationship in which he won 72 times worldwide and 13 majors. "I want to express my deepest gratitude to Stevie for all his help, but I think it's time for a change," Woods said on his website. "Stevie is an outstanding caddie and a friend and has been instrumental in many of my accomplishments. I wish him great success in the future." Woods did not say who would replace Williams or when he would return to golf. Williams could not immediately be reached Wednesday afternoon, although he posted a statement on his website confirming he had been fired. "Needless to say this came as a shock," Williams said. "Given the circumstances of the past 18 months working through Tiger's scandal, a new coach and with it a major swing change and Tiger battling through injuries, I am very disappointed to end our very successful partnership at this time.

Sooo this might be news to you but it's becoming clear to me that Tiger might not be the greatest guy on the planet. Who the fuck fires their best friend and caddy over the internet? There's got to be some major story that we don't know about, right? You fire dickheads with no brain on a Wednesday. You don't fire your caddy and friend of 18 years on a Wednesday. It just makes me scared that one day I'm gonna sit down and sign in to blog and the password is gonna be changed by my cat. I'll look over my shoulder and he'll be sitting there like, "things done changed around here rza" and that'll be the end of our relationship. It's a cold, cold world out there.


P.S. The Steve Williams book that comes out in 5 years is gonna be the greatest thing to hit print since "Reba: scenes behind closed doors and my secret love for Jordon Brault."


P.S.S. Did those motherfucking children from that other, other blog really say I hit the refresh button 50,000 times a day? I didn't want to get involved in this fight but now I think I have to get involved in this fight. I mean I hit the follow button on their blog to be a nice guy but not anymore. I'm comin for ya and I'm gonna keep comin for ya everyday until you're a miserable little prick. I'll make those gay kids who commit suicide look like a fucking picnic.

3 Is a Crowd, Boys.

RJ's Daily Extension? Not sure what that even means but I'll go along with it because I saw it pop up on my twitter feed. I thought it would be some sort of competition but then I got to reading and remembered I'm the one with a crown on my head. I'm also the one who has been out of high school for 3 years. But I'll tell you something, I'm not hating these other blogs trying to cyber blow me. Maybe you can wash my grundle for me in the shower, too? It's like I'm eating chocolate covered strawberries from my castle in Rome while these other warring nations scrap in some civil war bullshit, awaiting the approval of the big bad emperor. Well it aint gonna happen. Not on my watch. I like war. I like watching bloodshed. Divide and conquer is the name of the game.

TheLegend? Really?We'll see about that.

Check Out These Morons

The hidden gem of the internet on hot days is those photo galleries on WFSB that people send in to show you how they're staying cool in the heat wave. Just look at this dumb broad with the upside down sunglasses. Is that supposed to be funny or is she just an idiot? What's the thought process that goes through people's minds when submitting pictures? Are you sitting in the pool and all of sudden you're like, "Oh man, Scott Haney has to see this! Dennis House get a load of us!" And you have to think they put every picture on the site because there can't be that many dorks who do this, right? I don't know. Kind of makes me want to go sit next to a sprinkler, put whipped cream on my chest with cherries on my nipples and send it in just to see if I make it on the picture gallery.


P.S. It's actually my dream to be randomly interviewed by a news station. I'll be pumping gas and Rachel Slutzker starts asking about prices or something. The amount of sexual innuendos and inside jokes I'd use is unfathomable. Is that a word or did I pull it out of my sweet candy ass?

"Is It Gay" Question Of The Day

Headbands. Gay? I rocked one last night and it didn't feel right but it felt a shit ton better than having sweaty hair all up in my business. It's probably more gay that I'm 21 and still want to be David Beckham so bad I can taste it.

Long Sigh. Let's Give This Pussy Anonymous Commenter His 2 Minutes of Fame

I like the BJD. BennyWillz is my boy. TimmyKrza is my teammate. Shanil is a sweetheart. WoodE does some weird Rondo shit when he goes in for layups and I dig it. This has nothing to do with them on a personal level. Anonymous commenter returns again at 11:24 PM. Long after I went to bed last night. Apparently this asshole grew popcorn muscles when the sun went down and wants to start talking about heart. Hey dickhead, life aint about heart. If it was then ass hats like Brian Cardinal would be making 25 mill a year. You have to have that special 'ness factor and I have it. But how can you say I don't have heart? Over 2 years running here. Every fucking day there's a post. That's not heart? Get your head out of your ass, pull your fingers out of your vagina, post your actual name then come and talk to me. I'm not hard to find.


P.S. Call me names, spit on my shoes but bring up my heart and I'll fucking bury you. 

True Life: "I'm a Sugar Baby" Is So Bizarre It Pulled The Live Blog Out Of Retirement

Did True Life hit a brick wall in 2007 and decided they had to go for blood? It's becoming one of my favorite shows again. I remember when it was like True Life: I'm a Drug Addict and simple shit like that but now we have I'm a Sugar Baby? As in people who hire 20 year olds to spoil? Kind of like a prostitute? It's wild. Live blog. Let's go.

-"I like expensive dinners and nice things and like, you're not gonna find a 21 year old boy who can do this stuff." That's why you're whoring yourself out? Because you like expensive dinners? And by the way, the chick who said that is like 6. No way she deserves an expensive dinner. She's not even getting PF Changs out of me.

-"You'll meet 3 adults who take cash and gifts in exchange for their company." Run bitch. Run.

-We got GiGi. 21 year old, sort of asian looking. Pretty hot I have to say. Needs money for singing career. Then we have Steve who hates to work and is on the prowl for an older woman to pay his bills. Can you say living the dream? Olivia is some age and some story about her boyfriend. I don't know. I stop paying attention when ugly things make noise.

-GiGi says she started meeting older guys who wanted to help her out with money and then shockingly, she found out these guys really just wanted to have sex with her. It's like this bitch was literally born yesterday.

-She meets a guy online who she thinks doesn't want anything from her except her company and to spoil  her. Which is exactly why the first thing he shows her in his house is "the only private beach in San Diego." Oh then he puts her on an exercise machine and watches her ass. He then asks for a little preview of it. Yeah, you're right. He just wants to hang out Scranton, PA style. #Officereference. 

-"To me the sugar daddy/sugar baby relationship is based on the fact that I'm with you for a special reason and you're with me for a special reason." Is this True Life or Criminal Minds?

-Steven isn't a sugar baby like the chicks here. He's pretty much a 22 year old dude who just wants a cougar to pay his bills. Nothing wrong with that.

-His friend tells him he needs to find clothes that cougars can see and not think he's a child. Meanwhile his friend is wearing a diamond studded hat with a cross stitched into his button down so maybe take what he says with a grain of salt. 

"Plan of attack is move 'em around the venue, move 'em outside then pounce." That was actually word for word the same war plan crafted by confederates. 

-Now we meet Olivia. She doesn't get intimate with her sugar daddys. Then she meets a sugar daddy named Mike and I swear to Christ, older version of Adrian Gonzalez. It's spooky.

-Now we're back to Gigi and her sugar daddy buys her, her first gift. An essential rhyming dictionary for her singing career. What a sweetheart. She says she really needs that. Listen, if you're biggest problem is rhyming then I think you have a ways to go with your singing career.

-"Most meats are really good pink in the middle." I swear this sugar daddy is a serial killer.

-Olivia goes out to dinner with Gonzo and they talk about going to Italy and blah, blah, blah. Then some bullshit about her ex boyfriend and yada, yada, yada.

-Steven goes to a pole dancing aerobics class to meat some cougars. He think it shows a lot of balls to do stripper moves. Unintentional pun for the win.

-I'm so sick of this shit. This is exactly why I retired from live blogs. 35 minutes in and all I want to do is shower and stop watching this show.

This Is My Nightmare In 2 Parts

For the first time in a Red Sox uniform, Adrian Gonzalez is proving that he is human. The All-Star first baseman is 2-for-24 since the break after another hitless effort in a 6-2 loss in Baltimore on Tuesday night. For most players in the game, it's a stretch that would barely be mentioned, even in his own home. For Gonzalez, who hit .341 in May and .404 in June, it is enough to at least draw some increased attention, especially in light of his participation in the Home Run Derby during the break. The event is often said to destroy the swings of its participants, despite sporadic quantitative proof. Gonzalez said that is not a factor in his uncharacteristic swoon. "That's not an excuse," he said. "I think the days off is worse than anything else. I don't think the Home Run Derby had anything to do with it." Gonzalez has swung at a handful of pitches out of the zone and has had his fair share of check swings, a sure sign of lack of recognition. He admits something is off.

You're not gonna find me trying to rip Gonzo a new one. I can't. The only player I like more is Pedey. I simply adore him and he can do no wrong in my eyes. But to take a page out of Larry David's book, having said that, I'm terrified. I hate the home run derby and i hate my guys to participate in it. It sounds like a great idea and I'm sure the players love to show they can mash on national television but it never ends well and you're never the same after.That's actually the exact piece of advice I tell random girls with no morals who want to hook up with Donahue. Yeah, you might giggle and you might think he's somethign to talk about because you don't know him like we do but tomorrow you're gonna wake up and be statistic on the doctor's office wall.

Reddick has fast become a fan favorite in Boston. But while he's capable of being an everyday big league right fielder, his value will never be higher than it is now. Reddick has hit .367 with four homers and 18 RBI in his impressive 2011 campaign, but he's done so in a very small sample size, and he can't sustain that type of success. Plus, many still view Ryan Kalish as the Red Sox' right fielder of the future. Reddick wouldn't be nearly enough if the Red Sox shoot for a big name like Jose Reyes or Ubaldo Jimenez, but if they set their sights on Hiroki Kuroda, Michael Cuddyer or Carlos Beltran, his name could come into play.

I've been saying this all year. If we trade Reddick, I will start burning down the homes of the elderly. Just gruesome shit.  I haven't liked a player who's been called up so much since Wily Mo and everyone knows how much I love Wily Mo. The only difference here is Reddick is a fucking player. I mean the dude rakes, fields, and might one of the most underrated base runners in the league. I don't understand why we'd shop him around. He also has the best hair on the team. Not even a question there. I actually saw his hair flowing out of his hat one night and right then and there I decided against getting a haircut and now I got the cutest little flow that 2 year olds want to play with in line at CVS. He was also #24 and you know he's not gonna take that number in Boston until he knows he's gonna be here a while. Here's my idea. No trades unless it's for another pitcher. We're the best team in baseball by far. Don't fuck it up. The Yankees need to make a deal or it's for them. Not us. We get Lester healthy and Bucholz healthy and keep this Drew/Reddick platoon going and we're golden. That right field bat we need is Ryan Kalish and he's listed day to day. Take a lesson from Obama's page and do nothing. Oh wait.


P.S. I woke up this morning and couldn't walk. Foot blew up like Kuwait over night. Big goon from New Hartford with ugly cleats, I'm comin for ya. Looks like me and the cat are gonna be having a contest to see who can move the least and fall asleep in the most sexual positions. Expect posts out the anus.

This Sums Everything This Blog Is About

No posts today. I'm experiencing a bad mix of injured, pissed off, occasional excitement, loneliness, depressed and just plain bored with life.


P.S. Not sure why the BJD hates on Andrew Boucher so much. Saw him at my soccer game and old me straight up he likes this blog more. An honest man is a good man .

Hey Kleinmann, Remember When You Pulled Me Aside After Class and Told Me I'm One Of The Smartest Dudes You've Ever Met and It Was Such a Crime For It To Go To Waste With My Laziness? HOW DOES MY ASS TASTE?!?!?!?!?!

For those of you keeping track at home, that's 51,732 page views this week as of 9:09 PM on a Monday night. Let me repeat that. This week as of Monday. It's only fucking Monday. Uuhhhhhhhhhhhhmmmm daddy likes that. Daddy likes that a shit ton. Let this be a lesson to all you younger cats and kittens who read this. Don't listen to your teachers. If you're smart like me then you're smart. Nobody can take it away from you. Grades are for the birds as far as I'm concerned. Let that little bitch get valedictorian or whatever the fuck it's called. She'll probably only turn it into a full ride to UConn or some overrated wannabe ivy league. I digress. This post is really just a middle finger to people. Like to every girl that I've ever had any form of relations with. One day you're lying to me and slamming ecstasy pills up your nose with satan aka james and the next you're reading this sentence here and hitting refresh 51,000 times to see my next post. Probably should have thought about that before you fucked with the heart of a blogging phenom. I know it was 4 months ago but I hold a grudge like a motherfucker. Start me at age 11 and I can tell you every person who has ever wronged me and I'll tell you exactly how I intend on getting them back. This blog is step 1.