Prom Is Next Week. Randy Didn't Have a Date Yet.

 MANKATO, Minn. -- Randy Moss is calling it a career after 13 seasons in the NFL as one of the most dynamic and polarizing players the league has ever seen. Moss's agent, Joel Segal, said Monday that the receiver was considering offers from several teams, but made the decision to retire. Segal declined to comment specifically on the offers, instead saying his 34-year-old client felt the time was right to step away. "Randy has weighed his options and considered the offers and has decided to retire," Segal said.

 Randy Moss might be my least favorite Patriot of all time. Even when he was breaking records, I couldn't really love him the way I wanted to love him. Just way too erratic for me. It would be like dating a former drug addict/slut. You never know when they're gonna flip out and blow up on you and that consistent fear doesn't ever let you get as close as you want. And isn't Randy Moss retiring exactly like somebody pulling themselves out of the prom date race? All your friends have dates. Even Sabrina has a fucking date. You have to make a big decision  here. Either rent that tux today then hope you can find yourself a straggler by next Friday or completely fall off the radar because the one you want doesn't want you so you shun prom, tell everybody it's for suckers and go on your way. That's what Randy did. New York doesn't want him. New England wouldn't even let him give them a handy during recess. He feels like he's too good to go to prom with the cute, underrated chick. He wants the big fish but holly bigtits aint exactly biting his line so he quits.